Are You Ready to Date? w/J. Rosemarie Francis

J. Rosemarie Francis (00:00.163)

Welcome to Solomons Talk. Today we're on episode 43, season seven. We are at over 220 episodes. That's your interviews, your stories, your insights and wisdom for the last seven years. And I'm very grateful to you who have come on the show, who have talked to me, who have listened, or

who have engaged with me on social media. Today marks the last day of publication for Solo Moms Talk, season seven. We will start season eight in the fall, in September. But I wanted to let you know, because sometimes I do this and I don't talk about it, but I wanted to talk about this, that today I'm very grateful for your...

for listening to this podcast. I am still looking to interview actual moms who are raising their children alone or actually experiencing it right now. So if you're divorced, if you're a single mom, if you're a widowed mom, or if you're still married and it's just you, I want to interview you. Share your story and rule the world.

In this battle of life It's hard to keep your head above the water To win this fight

Today I wanna talk about something that I wish I had known, know, when, well, even before I got married the first time. It's something that affects a lot of people. I had a meetup group of single moms and a lot of the women, the moms were young women.

J. Rosemarie Francis (02:14.083)

but with young children. But it seems like their number one problem and their number one thing they wanted was to find a date. Now, it was kind of puzzling to me because I was thinking to myself, I can't imagine how they would, I couldn't imagine how they would function.

having a new person in their lives when a lot of them were still having problems with their exes or their co-parent. And it got me to thinking then and now still thinking that until we're ready, is it really wise to date

and to get into another relationship. Because really, unless you're gonna be somebody's doormat.

Usually dating leads somewhere else, you because you develop feelings for the person, they develop feelings for you. And as women, it's hard to, I don't know, I don't know how someone act, a woman act like a man and bounce around relationships.

But I think for the majority of us women, we end up getting emotionally involved when we date. And of course, they're the kids to consider. But I want to focus on you, mom, for a minute. You know, people ask, you know, should you prioritize kids over dating? But I want to say,

J. Rosemarie Francis (04:18.831)

That's not even the question. The question is, are you ready? Are you ready to get your life wrapped up with another human being who is not your immediate family? Are you ready for dating and where it might lead? Everyone is different, our journey is different, our strength and resilience is different, our experience is different.

And we were all raised a certain way. Some of us didn't even have anyone raising us. We had to raise ourselves. And so our thought process are wide and varied. And this is not even a moral thing. This is just who we are as humans.

But when it comes to stepping back into dating, there's so much to consider, you know, apart from just being single and available. And how available are you, really? And again, I'm not even thinking about the physical constraints of having children, raising children alone. I'm gonna talk about...

How ready are you for a relationship? Have you been healed? Really? Have you had the chance to take a breath, you know, to breathe, to take a beat and deal with the wounds that someone else inflicted on you? Whether it's from a past relationship or from childhood or even, you know, from church.

Have you healed, solo mom? Do you still feel wounded? Do things trigger you because you're still hurting? Have you healed? And if you're not healed, how ready are you for the next step? If you go to that relationship, if you go to that date and something click with that person.

J. Rosemarie Francis (06:41.356)

Are you ready?

because it's not fair to put someone else through your trauma.

I'm going to repeat that. It's not fear to put someone else through your trauma.

The other question I want to ask, have you learned? Are you repeating the same patterns or have you taken time to understand what didn't work before and why? That is one of the biggest thing is, you know, for me, I never learned. It took me three marriages and divorce to learn. And it took that.

You know, the last marriage, a devastating experience for me to stop and start to think about my actions and my reactions and what was happening and why I wasn't in control. Right? Growth is powerful, but only if we're willing to reflect and adjust. Right?

J. Rosemarie Francis (08:00.565)

So learning from what happened before, finding out why you are attracted to certain types or why you react in your marriages and relationship the way you do will teach you how to act in the future.

Which brings me to my next question. Are you conscious of who you are as a woman, as a whole complex, vibrant, evolving human being? You know, there is something magical about a woman who becomes a mom and you know, you don't know anything about being a mother.

You know, and sometimes you get married and you have a child and you know, you're happy because there's somebody there to bounce the ideas off and to help you on this journey of raising another human. But life gets scary when that person disappears for whatever reason, right? Whether it's your fault or their fault doesn't really matter. But there's something

You're strong and you're resilient and you will go to bat for your offspring. But what are you doing for yourself? How conscious are you of your self-worth? Of who you are as a person? And I'm gonna venture out to say, of who you are in Christ. I had another episode that I talk about whose you are and who you are.

and how to focus on those things in getting to the root of who you are as a person. So do you know your self worth? Because if you don't know your worth, someone will tell you what you're worth. And maybe that's why you're a single mom. Maybe that's why you're raising your children alone. Whether you're still in the marriage or not.

J. Rosemarie Francis (10:26.081)

So obviously it doesn't apply to someone who is a widow because let me tell you something. I wish someone told me sooner dating from a place of brokenness can feel like settling, like losing yourself one compromise at a time. Because when you have no control over you, you, then somebody will assume control over you. Right?

But when you're whole, when you're confident, when you're strong, that's a different kind of power, right? You are able to stand strong and be selective, right? And know when someone is the right person for you or not, even if you're just going out for one date. So why settle?

If you just want to have a good time, go out with a girlfriend. Go out on your own. When I was a single mom, when my kids were younger, I used to go to the movies on my own. I used to go out and have a dinner on my own. Get a babysitter and I would go out and just sit down in a cafe and eat and drink coffee or whatever, just to get away for a minute. I didn't feel any way about it and I didn't care who thought it was whatever.

because I know who I was. I value who I am as a person and I'd rather be in a movie theater myself enjoying a good show rather than be with someone who is making my life miserable just because I want to be with someone. But it all starts with you. It all starts in there, right in there in your heart.

You have to figure out this because it's not just you now, right? When you were young and, you know, footloose and fancy free, you could do what you want. And, you know, the consequences be damned. But you have someone watching you, or maybe many ones, your children. You know, you need to show your children how a woman should be treated, both male and female child.

J. Rosemarie Francis (12:55.117)

need to know how a woman should be treated. And if your children see you accepting anything from anyone, then they'll feel like, well, that's normal, so I can accept anything from anyone. So it starts with you, mama. I understand that life is tough and you feel lonely and you want to be in friendship and companionship.

I understand, I get it. I get it. I've made my share of mistakes. And I wish someone, I wish I had a podcast where I could hear something like this. Even if I, you know, I'm a little annoyed that they're saying it. But I would listen and I would hear and it would cause me to pause.

So I'm asking you today in love and friendship to look within, consider, think about where you are as a person, as a woman, and as a mother. And what's more important to you and your family is dating more important than caring for yourself.

You know, because life is messy and there's a reason you're a single mom, because stuff got messy, right? There's a reason you're raising your children alone, because things got messy.

And now, if you are not prepared, if you're not prepared for war, your battle will be messy.

J. Rosemarie Francis (14:53.613)

So consider dating a war and consider preparing yourself for that war. And I'm not saying you're going to be fighting anyone. I'm just saying that if you're ready, if you're ready for whatever transpires on that date, by knowing your self worth, knowing who you are, so you can...

Clearly, clearly select the people who you want to associate with. Because I think we as women grow up thinking that we get chosen, you know, and that may be the case, but I think that we need to be at the place where we're confident enough to say, it's all right, I'll pass.

because we're not desperate. And so I just wanted to bring that up. I didn't know what I was gonna talk about today. Today is one of those days. And I just think that if you can just give yourself some time to heal, to learn, and to discover yourself worth.

You could save yourself so much heartache and you could help your children learn, you know, let's stop passing this crap down toward from generation to generation. I'm living proof of the crap that has transpired before my time. And I was fortunate or unfortunate not to have girl children.

But the story is the same. Boy children need to know how to treat women. And if they witness their mothers putting themselves in danger and, you know, excusing bad behavior, then they're gonna think it's normal. And you're only putting yourself in danger and excusing bad behavior because you don't know any different.

J. Rosemarie Francis (17:16.877)

You don't know any better. You think it's normal. So it's time. It's time for a new day. It's time for a new you. Heal, learn, and enforce your self-worth. Know who you are as a person.

because dating may seem glamorous, but there's so much heartache behind it, especially when you get involved, when your heart starts to get involved. Because you know, we women, we're soft inside or heart soft, and it's easy to connect with somebody. That's just how we are, you know. But people, the wolf out there,

will smell your mile off if you're not ready, if you're not healed, if you're not confident in who you are. And I'm not saying you are to be a, you know, be an ugly person who people can't stand to be around. I'm just saying know your worth, know who you are.

because when you're a solo mom, your default is to put your kids first. But I understand that, you know, there's time. There's a time when it would be great to have someone, you know, you could just hang out with, you know, maybe it's because the last relationship was good at one point. So you're longing for that.

And it could be just because a lot of people, know, some women like to date because they like to throw it in their co-parent's face. Now, if you're healed, you don't do those things, right? So the question isn't, the question for you, if dating is on your mind as a mom raising your children.

J. Rosemarie Francis (19:30.359)

I'm not judging, you know, I don't sit in a holy place. I want to always say that I'm not preaching. Maybe it sounds like preaching, I don't know. But if I could go back and if somebody would have said these things to me, I would have considered them. I I was stubborn and and stiff-necked. Maybe I wouldn't have listened, but I would have heard, right?

Cause the question isn't just, I ready to date? It is whether you're ready to choose wisely, with wisdom, with clarity, are you able to choose somebody to hang out with who's gonna protect your peace? To say no, even when you're lonely.

So today I'm asking you, have you done the work? Do you know how to trust your instincts? Are you dating from a place of fear or freedom?

It's not my job to tell you to date or not to date. I am far from it. know, love and companionship and all that is just amazing, right? When you're at that place, it's just an amazing thing. You know, when the two of you are in sync and life's wonderful, and even if life's not good, you battle it together because you're joined at the hips, right?

But when you know who you are and whose you are, don't ever forget whose you are. Dating becomes less about fixing something and more about sharing something, life, pleasures, know, going out to dinner, walking the park, you know, that kind of thing. So before I wrap up, before I say see you later, because this is the last episode, as I said before.

J. Rosemarie Francis (21:39.964)

before we start season eight in September. I want you to take this episode as an invitation. Pause, take some time to reflect. Journal if you need to. I love journaling, I talk about it all the time. It's a way for you to pour out what's in your head and your heart on paper. And ask yourself the questions that matter before anyone else does.

Because you deserve more than just attention. You deserve connection. You deserve respect. But you have to know you deserve those things. A future that aligns with your value. That's what you deserve. Thanks for spending time with me today. If this resonates with you, feel free to share it with another solo mom who might need to hear it. And if you're walking through healing,

are wrestling with questions. I see you. You're not alone. Until next time, take care of yourself and take the time to know your worth. And don't forget, I'm looking for stories. I'm looking to showcase more solo mom story. In season eight, that's what I wanna focus on. The stories of single mom, moms raising children alone, whether through divorce.

whether through being single by choice, whether through widowhood, or if you're still married, but you're struggling to raise your children alone. I wanna interview you. I wanna share your story, and you should share your story, because it allows other people to gain perspective on their own situation. Join Solar Moms Connect if you're looking to build connection.

and get emotional support and reach out to me if you need to talk one-on-one. I'm here even though I won't be recording during the summer. Well, I will be recording but I won't be publishing during the summer. You can reach out to me. We can talk. Love you, solo mom. God bless.