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SoloMoms! Talk
Feb. 1, 2022

Is Your Self Love Compromised? w/Dr. Michelle R. Hannah

Is Your Self Love Compromised? w/Dr. Michelle R. Hannah

Dr. Michelle R. Hannah shares her tips and strategies for solo moms on how to be a good example to their children by taking care of themselves. Having raised her daughter after divorce for 17 years, Dr. Hannah is intimately familiar with the challenges of mothering solo and avoiding taking care of ourselves.

04:50 - Dr. Hannah's thoughts on solo moms and self-care

15:45 - What is the Break-Even Syndrome?

16:05 - Emotional Wealth Deficit

20:16 - Dr. Hannah's best piece of advice for solo moms

Short Bio:

Dr. Michelle R. Hannah, through her life's medical challenges and overwhelming love for humanity, the health, emotional well-being of people and commitment to living authentically- is among the most influential women today.

Connect with Dr. Hannah on IG: @Michelle_r_hannah

website: Michellerhannah.com

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Transcript

Dr. Michelle

[00:00:00] J. Rosemarie: And I'm excited to share that SoloMoms! Talkis now on YouTube. Check out these interviews on our new channel, solar moms talk TV there, you will actually see the interaction between myself. I might guess you will also find bite-sized clips of daily inspiration to help you manage. Struggles of everyday life. So click SoloMoms! Talk TV below to watch. Now I'm speaking with Dr. Michelle, Hannah, thank you for coming and talking to me, Dr. Michelle. I appreciate you. Yes, [00:00:30] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: I appreciate you too. I'm glad we get to share this space for a moment [00:00:33] J. Rosemarie: Sure thank you. Could you introduce yourself? [00:00:37] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: Sure I am Dr. Michelle R Hannah.And what I do is I help singles and couples emotionally heal, connect deeper to intimacy and ultimately live authentically. I think that probably what maybe 90% of America needs to basically tap into that for sure we could all use some healing being [00:01:00] that we're in the pandemic. [00:01:02] J. Rosemarie: All right. So, so your specialty is because we want to talk about your work and how you can help our audience, especially solo moms. And so let's talk about your work and then we can lead in. [00:01:15] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: Okay. So what really stood out to me about your podcast in regards to solo moms is because I was a solo mom for 17 years. I was going through a divorce. My baby was, I think she was just turned into, it's been so long ago. I think she was just turned into and I never imagined that I was going to be raising her not so much by myself. Cause thank God I did have like a mother that really did help me. And I think that. So important. I don't know how I could have done it without that. I did not have a large try to really connect with. So all I have was really my mom and she, and then I had another friend that kept children. And [00:02:00] so she almost kind of just connected. Closely with my daughter. And I'm so grateful for that, because then she ended up also being a support to me, probably around when my daughter was about four or five. So I am thankful for that. But what I did realize is that in being a solo mom, I had no self care regimen. I was full of guilt. I could not juggle a whole lot of things that were happening in just 24 hours. I was so overwhelmed. So I didn't even know that my self-love had totally been compromised. And so I realized that, wow, if I'm feeling this way, what about the person that doesn't have any support? What about when the kids. And you have to go take your child to the doctor, but you're scared you're going to get fired. And so those were things that I just began to have a lot more compassion for, because I just didn't think that I would ever be in that situation. But [00:03:00] here I was. You know. Yeah. So that's what really stood out to me about your podcast, because I think solo moms, they get judged and people don't realize how hard that job really is. And that's one of your jobs. You still have to basically work. Sometimes solo moms are going to school and working and trying to take care of their children, drop them off in the morning to daycare, which is very expensive. And then they have to go to aftercare another expense. So I totally agree. That journey because I was once there. [00:03:32] J. Rosemarie: Yes. Yes. And I appreciate you sharing that. And I think we are the biggest judge of ourselves. Cause I've interviewed solo moms and I've asked them about self care is kind of one of my questions and they'll go, oh no, I don't have time for that. I have to take care of my children. So can you respond to that statement? [00:03:49] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: So yes, you do. You have to take care of your children. They, they are your responsibility. However, Think about it, if you're unhealthy, meaning with the lack of [00:04:00] self care, and you're not checking in with your self-love and maybe your messaging to yourself is not kind, you show up the same way for your kids, because I mean, you're, you're that person now it's become you. So when you enter the room, when you have conversations, when you are. Frustrated, all of that shows up to your kids. And sometimes we think, oh, they're small. They don't hear this. They don't feel that they don't see whatever is going on, but I'm telling you kids here, they see, they feel. And so what ends up happening is let's say. So busy, you gotta work, you gotta cook, you know, you, you have to get in your car sometimes and drive an hour just to go to work and all of those different things. Right? So sometimes you're a little short on your patients, you know, or you keep telling your cat, okay, just in a minute, hold on. Or you're on the computer. You're like, I can hear you, but you're not giving them any eye contact. What [00:05:00] that meant. Well, it could start to formulate. The self-concept of the child of, oh, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to connect with my mom, or I'm not good enough to have a conversation with my mom or what I'm doing. Like maybe I've drawn a picture and I'm trying to show my mom, but she's so frustrated. It's like, oh, I guess I'm not a good. Well, maybe I shouldn't even do that anymore. So now the self-concept begins to develop and guess what then happens. Now you have potentially a child that is now going to go into relationships at some point with the I'm not good enough or in school thinking I'm not good enough could either cause a child. Forget it, I'm not going to try maybe behavioral issues or says I got to do everything a hundred, 500 times better. Cause I got to Excel. I gotta be worthy. I gotta be value because the fact that that, that messaging was w was what was presented by that mother. Not on purpose. [00:06:00] Not, you know, being intentional about it, but just being who she is in that moment, which is overworked, tired, frustrated, feeling like she doesn't get a break. Right. So if you then say, okay, you know what? I got to interrupt this, I got a pause. I got to figure out how do I. The self care. How do I implement it in my day? So I would say take light just one little step, like take baby steps first. Don't try to do everything overnight. It's not going to work and you're not going to keep to it. So let's say we give ourselves 15 to 30 minutes a day. That does not mean 15 to 30 minutes on your social media. That doesn't mean 15 to 30. On your laptop that does not mean 15 to 30 minutes, even with your kid, you know, that's not what that means or whomever brands, whatever phone ringing emergencies, well, emergencies maybe, but, but in terms of every new say really emergencies, cause sometimes my emergency is not your emergency, right? [00:07:00] So, but giving yourself that 15 to 30 minutes to disconnect from everything and to reconnect back to yourself and it could be. The sample as has I love bass. I just love it. I love just lighting my candles and getting in the bath and just being, it could be 15 to 30 minutes of that. It could be 15 to 30 minutes of fun. Fun could be for me. I read a lot. So when I get to look at a fashion magazine, I am in like bliss at the moment because I'm not reading anything. I'm just looking at all the pretty colors and the visualization. That's enough to get me disconnect. So I can start rejuvenating myself to reenter the space again. So I was a two, at least just start off with that. Maybe you have small children when they're napping. That's your time. That's not the time to do busy work. That's your time because you got to get it where you can, you know, fit it in. But I would say start with 15 to 30 minutes, even if you have to get up a little earlier, you know, I think that.[00:08:00] So [00:08:00] J. Rosemarie: worth it. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Thank you. It's funny about my Instagram post this morning was a 30 minute clip of a woman in the bathroom. Yeah. [00:08:10] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: Yeah. So [00:08:11] J. Rosemarie: I'm hearing you say that self care, which a lot of our solo moms often reject and neglect affects us in two ways. One either affects us personally. Right. But it also affects long-term effect on our children who. We're not doing [00:08:26] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: self-care for yes, absolutely. I here's one thing that I do want to give your audience, which is a really cool tip and we can start teaching our kids this at a young age. So I call it five, five and five, five minutes. When you get up in the morning, you are going to pray meditate. That's what you're gonna do. I mean, five minutes, isn't a very long time, but I'm trying to give you. Minutes here. So five minutes we pray, we meditate. We get our mind back into focus. Five more minutes. We [00:09:00] are going to stretch. We got to basically stretch because sometimes tension just continues to build up. And it's because we don't stretch. We just jump out of bed. Everything's in a rush, jump out of bed, jump in the shower, jump from the shower. You know, we're, we're trying to do makeup in the car, which is not safe, but makeup in the car and doing our hair and all these other things. Then we've got to get the kids. A lot going on. So that's my five minutes of just meditation prayers stretch is so important. Then five more minutes. What we're going to do is we are going to take five minutes to be intentional. Our day, this is not journaling. It's just writing a couple of things down. I usually write no more than three to be intentional about my day. So another words if I wake up and I feel like I have some fear that's, you know, at the surface there. So now what I'm going to do to be intentional about my day is to connect with positivity and people that. [00:10:00] Inspire me in terms of courage, right? So I'm not going to take calls from a family member. That may be that one that is constantly in fear all the time. They're always going through the what if this and what if that, Nope, that's not going to be in my day to day because I have. Focus and be intentional about what it is that I need for my day. Maybe the intention is I am going to take 30 minutes with my child. And once I get home, regardless of what, what happened in the day, regardless of maybe how frustrated I am, I'm going to take 30 minutes where I'm fully present and I'm looking into my child's eyes. They're looking into my eyes. And I'm going to hug on them. They're going to hug on me. I'm going to ask them about their day and I'm going to tell them about mommy's day as well, you know, in regards to what's age appropriate, but it's, so that's an intention, right? I'm going to be intentional about that. I'm not going to just think it in my head and then feel [00:11:00] guilty. 'cause I haven't done it, but I'm going to say, Nope, I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to change this around today. You also need to allow your kids to see and to understand when you do self care. How does that feel? So again, we can go back to the baths, right? So once you are going in there to take a bath, I told one of my clients put a little, it doesn't matter what color it is, but you could, let's just say. If you've put on the door. And so now your child knows that, oh, you know, that's mommy time, you know, for 15 and 30 and to keep them occupied. So where you could just take a moment to connect. And then what that's going to do is teach them how important that is, because when mommy comes out of that bath, she's smiling, she's calm. Those are messages that you are now teaching your child. So I think those things are so important. And as the child begins to grow, you then start having age-appropriate conversations with them [00:12:00] about having a self care regimen. So, you know, you guys can start doing it together because it's important that they learn from an early age. How important that is? Yes. [00:12:10] J. Rosemarie: Thank you. Break the generational curse. That's. Things cause we, especially with black mothers, we just think we have to do everything for everybody, but ourselves. And then our daughters grow up the same way. [00:12:25] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: Absolutely. I, you know what I call it, I call it emotional, like having an emotional deficit. So basically, you know, we want to be wealthy in our emotions. Because wealthy means that from generation to generation, to generation my emotional connection and what I poured in to my daughter, she pour into her daughter and then her daughter into her daughter. That's when you have wealthy emotion, emotional connection, right? When you have a profit is good, but profit may only connect to the people like around you. [00:13:00] And yourself. So now we're not talking about generational, right? It's like we hear everybody talking about generational wealth, same thing, but I'm talking about emotion, right. Or then even we may have the breakeven syndrome. Well, I didn't really lose anything. Didn't really gain anything. Just going to stay kind of right here, because I think. I'm scared to take a risk, you know, and, and I don't want to really lose anything, but I'm scared to take a risk to gain something. Right. And then we have the deficit. So this is a lot of single moms. They're in the deficit of emotional connection and emotional, healthy. So that's when you are on fumes. So I know that we've all been here where, you know, we're looking at our car, we're on our way home. We know that we are now. We are praying that we make it home, you know, but we don't want to stop for gas because we're so tired. So we're praying. Okay, Lord, just please let me make it home today. [00:14:00] I won't ever do this again, which is not true. We, we ended up being there again. Right. And we're like, just let me make it home. Okay. And then when I get up in the morning, please let me make it to the gas station because we know we are so far past E right. So basically we're on. You know, I connect with that because a lot of times I was on fumes and I was operating from a person that's on fumes as single mothers. I feel that when you're half empty, but you can only know that if you're doing check-in, when you're half empty, that's when everything. And you say, oh no, I'm half empty. I got to fill myself back up because even when you're operating on half-empty, that's not healthy either. But a lot of times, like I said, single mothers are operating on fumes. They're literally surviving and sometimes barely surviving. They don't even understand what it is to live at that point. [00:14:55] J. Rosemarie: Yes. Yes. I can understand that and empathize as a solo [00:15:00] mom, had three sons and not taking care of myself. Then, and trying to run for a bus one day and couldn't my body. No [00:15:08] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: way. Wow. Wow. Three sons. You could just stop right there. Cause three raising girls than it is raising, raising boys. I really do. I commend you for that. Yeah. [00:15:23] J. Rosemarie: Thank you. Yes. And I appreciate you sharing so much of your knowledge with us. I am so glad that. So the tech out and got to do this hell. Sure. What is Dr. Hannah grateful for? [00:15:35] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: I am grateful for my ability to forgive myself quicker and to love myself harder. I'm very grateful for that. It's made such a. And my life and how I show up for others. [00:15:51] J. Rosemarie: Oh, thank you. And how can we get in touch, sharing your surveys and how we can get in touch with you? [00:15:56] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: Okay. So you can go to Michellerhannah.com Or you can follow me on Instagram at Michelle_ R_Hannah and so find me on Instagram at the self vows retreat. The cell fouls is basically my most recent book. You can find me there. You can go to selfvows.com. If you are interested in our self valves program, or if you're interested in just in the need of a retreat. Okay. All [00:16:28] J. Rosemarie: right. I need a restraint. So anyway, check that out. I know. In the show notes, so people will have access to them. And one more thing. What, one piece of advice being a solo mom, yourself, would you give to a solo mom right now? Just anything? Well, [00:16:47] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: the, the best piece of advice is to give yourself a do over every day. When you wake up in the morning, that's like, you can literally rebirth every day and that's so amazing.

You don't have to stay stuck in the [00:17:00] past. So what you blew it the day before. You forgive yourself for what you have done. Maybe you owe somebody an apology, you do that, you know, and release it. And that is the most important thing to start your day off with. And then of course, after that, you go into the by five and five and the last. Say is to create your self care regimen. You create it. Don't feel like you have to do it like someone else. You're unique. You're your own person. That's why we have different DNA. We are all unique and you can own your genius because trust and believe there's something about you. That is a major gift to the world. So you have to take care of it. So before you can take care of anybody else, you absolutely matter. Even if someone hasn't told you that in a long time, you absolutely matter. [00:17:51] J. Rosemarie: And thank you very much for that. And the apologized to someone could be yourself. [00:17:56] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: Absolutely. It can definitely be yourself for sure. [00:18:00] And you know, sometimes how Elegy I feel means something when the behavior changes. So it's not about saying just I'm sorry. It's okay. Am I willing to change the behavior? Am I ready to change the behavior? If you're not, hold off on the, sorry, because we need to be truthful. We need to be very much so connected with. So maybe he just hold off for a moment to where you can really mean it and change the behavior. [00:18:27] J. Rosemarie: Absolutely. Thank you very much, Dr. Hannah for coming and talking to us today. I [00:18:32] Dr. Michelle R. Hannah: really thank you. I really appreciate this space as well, too. And you're doing an amazing work to just really highlight, you know, Single moms.They really, really do need it. My child is now 24. She graduated from college two years ago. She's a double major. So you have no idea when she walked across that stage, I cried, I cried for everything that I had made sacrifices [00:19:00] for the things that she doesn't even know, you know? And so now she has a bonus dab, but so I'm not sure. Solo mom anymore, but at the same time, 17 years being that, you know, I definitely remember those times for sure. Yeah. Anything else? No, that is it. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. [00:19:23] J. Rosemarie: Sure. Thank you very much for talking to me, you know, even being a solo mom, myself, I'm always amazed at the resilience and determination of moms, raising children. Are you struggling and feel like a rat in a wheel. And do you feel like your dreams are moving further and further away from you? Maybe it's time to get serious about setting some concrete goals, real life. I know finding the time to focus on setting goals can paralyze you into inaction. That's why I created Goal Setting Strategies That Work for Solo Moms.[00:20:00] It's a six-part course to help you finally set concrete goals for the things you decide for yourself and your family. So use the link below to join the waitlist for Goal Setting Strategies That Work for Solo Moms today, because your dreams are too important to leave the chance.

Dr. Michelle R. Hannah Profile Photo

Dr. Michelle R. Hannah

Relationship Coach. Author. Public Speaker

Dr. Michelle R. Hannah, through her life's medical challenges and overwhelming love for humanity, the health, emotional well-being of people and commitment to living authentically- is among the most influential women today.