To be better in our relationship with others, we may need to look at the person in the mirror. Some self-healing and self-reflection helped me recognized the mistakes I made about relationships I've had.
This bonus episode reflects on aspects of my interview with Dr. Roberta Shaler. To form better relationships we need to know the traits of a chameleon. We have to learn to recognize when someone is about to hijack our lives.
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Intro song from the single "Desperate" by Damien Ellison
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J. Rosemarie 0.00Last week I did an interview with Dr. Roberta Shaler on relationships. And one of her trademark terms is "hijackal". And her thing is that the hijackal is someone who hijacks your life. Based on your relationship with them and the hijack, or it could be a parent, both parents, or it could be a child, or it could be a guy ever, whatever relationship is, but I want to focus on the relationship with, , a person like a guy, co-parent as a potential partner or an ex. Now we as solo moms, if you didn't choose to be a single mom, then you're a solo mom for a reason, meaning something happened, you were married or, you know, if, if you're a widow, . This conversation is not about you, but if you are if you are. Divorced, or partner left you. Or, you left because you were frustrated by the relationship or if you, if you just are one of those moms who are married, but he's just like I done, right. This is for you. No, some of the points we covered in the interview is that you have to be able to recognize these hijack holes, these cause they're, they're like chameleons. We know, the term Wolf in sheep's clothing. You know, you're a single mom, you're burdened down with your children. You might have money troubles. But more importantly, I'm more, much more devastating by the decisions we make is the emotional state. We find ourselves in because. You know, we could be emotionally, you know, challenge because we suffered a hard breakup. And so we're still mourning. If we haven't taken care of it, we're still mourning. And so when the dude come and see you, you know, if he's a wolf, he can smell youa mile away. You are. Prey and he's hunting for prey and that Wolf can smell you a mile off when you're emotionally devastated. Couple with the fact that, you're worried about your children because , maybe most of it is because you don't have enough money. Think you have enough money or hold to get enough money to take care of your children. And so, and then this is not a conversation about men. It's a conversation about single moms, solar moms, and the relationships we find ourselves in and how to avoid them. Right. It's not about men. This is about trying to find a way to develop relationships that are healthy for you. Okay. So you might be in a place where you're vulnerable and you think that because he buys you something or he buys something for your kids, or, he says things. That makes, you know, he's a nice guy and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And you know, don't the other thing I'd like to say, don't look for signs. There's no such thing as signs, right? Don't like the signs throw you off your, you know, your path. He can tell you that from experience I won, I had a couple of kids. My two youngest sons are very young. I was devastated, emotionally frustrated and yeah. I was broke pretty much, but more importantly, I was worried I was stressed out trying to figure out how I'm going to take care of those tools to kids because my, my husband just disappeared. Right. And there was this person who showed up and. He still flea came into our lives. Like, you know oh, I can help with this and he can help with that. And before, you know, it, he was taking over and demand. I can minds and, you know, being, you know, and then my kids were already emotionally involved, which is the other, no, no, don't get them involved with your kids or talk, keep your kids away from fam. Right. And so I. I, I was talking to God and I was telling God, I need help. You know, can you send someone and I'm on this walk, right. I'm walking. And I'm saying, can you send someone? I know I'm walking. And then at wa I was headed back home. And as I crest the hill, right then right south of this prac Kristie hill, and I looked up and there was this guy coming. Yeah. Thank you, Lord. I was like, thank you, Lord, for answering my prayer. Right. So I don't do that. I made a devastating mistake of marrying a chameleon of marrying someone who was an abuser. I was very, very good at hiding it. And so. If you are the number one thing I say, if you're in that position where, you know, you're devastated emotionally and financially there's help available, but there's a help that won't cost you your life. There's a help got won't cost you, your children, their freedom and safety. And so look for that help. One of the main help to get and wish I had known this is help for you. Mental and spiritual wellbeing, get yourself. Right. You know, take care of the stuff that devastates you, you know, if you were abused as a child or because some of the reasons we find ourselves in these, you know, Codependent relationships is because we haven't taken care of our stuff. We haven't gone through the process of, you know, working through what's what, what was wrong in our childhood, all this stuff. We, all the things we stuffed down, you know, we stuffed them down. Byrdy Lynn said - she's a woman I interviewed several months ago and she said, we stopped the monsters underneath the bad, hoping they'll go away, but they don't go away because the more months as you stuff under the bed, the more heartache you're going to get once they start popping out and popping out and popping out and they'll pop out at the worst possible moments. Right. And so. One of the best things to do for yourself and your children. Mama is to take care of you, take care of your mental and spiritual self. And I understand that sometime we don't want anything to do with God because we feel God abandoned us. And you know, you trusted him and you know, the guy walked away or you can't feed you your kids. This is a bunch of stuff. Right. But, but. If, if you want to dwell there, go ahead and do it. You know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't encourage that, but also remember that the decisions you make are your own, and so you can't blame God for, you know, things not turning out because you decide to step in front of a bus. Okay. And I hate to break it to you, but, you know, I've lived that kind of life where I blamed God for everything that every bad decision I made. Right. Yeah. You know, we don't need to spend time beating up on ours or ever, you know, we just need to recognize where we are and take care of our business so that we can take care of our kids. And it doesn't matter what our kids' age is. There may be small, independent on us, or they may be older and independent of us. They're still looking at you, you know, as long as you're alive, you're still their role model. And so. We need to take care of ourselves and we need to figure out what it is that allows us to. To get into the situations we get into. After my third divorce, I sat down and thought about it. The first thought that came to my mind, what is wrong with me? Why nobody wants me. Right. And then, and I kept going. I kept going through the thought process. And the first thing that came to me was that, wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with it. And then I looked at the guys too, that I chose, they all are the same, you know, the same trait, you know? And so I realized that I was looking for family, something I never had growing up. I was looking for that cohesive family that I could build myself, you know, so nobody could take that away from me. Right. But it was unfair to the guys to look for that from them, because I hadn't healed from the abandonment issue that I had. And there were other things too that I just hadn't healed from. And so I had to fix that, you know, and I had Tony Robbins, personal power and the ultimate edge both collections on CD. And I would listen to them. Over and over and over again, I would make notes. I was journaling. Harold's writing my notes and stuff. I also read Joel, Osteen's your best life. Now I purchased a journal and every day I would read the scripture. I had read a section out of the book and journal and write and, and, and reflect. And that really helped me. Those resources really helped me to source through my emotion, my thought process, and to start a baseline from where I could build my. And so I work through that. I realize one, there wasn't anything wrong with me per se, but there were things in me that needed fixing. Right. And what I started to do, I also realized I never had. The standard when it comes to men, I just see, you know, if there was a connection and, you know, I thought about it and say, well, maybe God wanted me to be happy and blah, blah, blah. And you know, whatever foolishness you think about at that time. Right. And so I made a list of what I wanted in a mine. Right. What I would want at that point, I wasn't sure I would ever. Connect myself with another guy, but I did the exercise because it was good for me. And I followed, I think, I believe it was Tony Robbins who recommends this. So it made a list of what I wanted in a guy. Right. And then on the, on one side, on the other side, I wrote a list of what I need. I checked off what I needed to fix in my life. So for instance, if I wanted a guy who wasn't broke, then I didn't want to be broke. Right. Because then, you know, if you're broke, then people smell that desperation and you know, it's not gonna end well, right. Or you want somebody who is kind of loving. You want somebody who is, you know, Who loves God. And so if you, if you, if you want someone who would take care of themselves physically and mentally, so what I did, I went through that exercise and because those are the things that are important to me that were important to me when I did the self evaluation. And then I also, I made a list of what I didn't want. Right. So the list of what I wanted, I had to line myself up with that list. So I had to be the person I was looking for. And so I worked, I worked on that and you know, it, it doesn't mean you're perfect or you get perfect, but you get clarity on what you want or what you're looking for. She wants to spend four and the truth is, you know, people will say, well, you know, your standards are too high. Maybe, maybe not. They're my standards and I'm going to stick to them. And the issue for me is that I don't want to, I don't want to allow myself to be abused anymore, and I believe that's the place we have to come. I don't want anyone to abuse me anymore. It doesn't have to be a mine. It could be a child trying to abuse you. It could be a relative, it could be a parent. And there are these subtle chameleons out there who they're passive aggressive. I think they're called and, you know, You have to get to a place where you either don't deal with them at all, or you learn, you become so strong in yourself, your self esteem is risen so high. That those people don't, you know, it's like water off a Duck's back. And that's where I wanted myself to be. You know? Cause you can't always escape certain people, you know, they're there, hanging out. You know, like moss. So you grow a pair and then this stuff roll off your back. Now that's as a person, as a mother, And as the only parent your children have, and you know, let's not, let's not beat around the Bush if he's only there on weekends or every other weekends, you're the only parent they have right now. Okay. You have to provide. An example, a baseline for your kids to build from, to build their life from, and if they can't pin you down as a person, as an individual, it's very hard for them to create their own baseline for life. You know, so. Your baseline should be getting healthy, getting strong, getting very firm in your commitment to you on your family and avoid those chameleons. And don't introduce people to your kids too quick. Don't jump into bed with people, you know, you know, that's all they're looking for and you know, you're not for sale. If you need help, there are lots of help available. You don't have to get help from someone who wants to take advantage of you. There's lots of help available. And so this is my little rant and hopefully it's helpful to you. And I like to share these things, just remember you're not alone and you don't have to parent inside. I hope you will join our meetup, our monthly meetup. When we have them, we have one, I believe it's on the 26th of August and it's a virtual meet up. So you can come by drop-in and say hello, and yeah. Thank you.